|
Theo's Gift
Fleeting, and oftentimes hypocritical, opinions on pop culture, politics, television, comics, and Cosby.
|
|
|
Mastodon City Begum Lives
Shin Chan
Friends' Blogs Politics/Society Entertainment Sports Video Games/HD Tech Space News Comedy Misc.
Profile
All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent -- expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside -- never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice -- until it's time not to be nice.
|
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Top 25 Action Films of All-Time -- The List Now it's finished! (Note: The rules of what I consider to be a pure action movie are outlined here.) 25. The Specialist (1994) Reasons Why It’s On the List: Stallone doesn’t kill people with guns; he kills people with bombs. It’s set in Miami -- always a plus. Stallone’s name is “Ray Quick.” Stallone sports his best body post Rambo III, pre-Rocky VI. James Woods is a bad guy who works for the cops and likes to shout “triangulation” while holding the station house hostage. Did I mention James Woods? Yeah, he’s really awesome in this. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: A little too glossy to be a true, balls-to-the-wall action movie. Too much padding, not enough explosions. Pacing's more thriller than action. Woods doesn’t get a truly great scene opposite Stallone. Sharon Stone has never crossed the line into campy brilliance that Stallone has managed. This makes her scenes cringe-worthy instead of groan-worthy (and yes, there’s a difference). 24. The Marine (2006) Reasons Why It’s On the List: John Cena chases Robert Patrick’s gang in a souped-up, sports car/police interceptor. John Cena single-handedly wins the Iraq War with a kickass, 80s throwback hostage rescue sequence to open the movie. “They have my wife.” Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: The dialog is horrendous even by action film standards. They never quite delve into the action movie archetypes/clichés as best they could (i.e. talk of who’s “number 1;” Robert Patrick’s gang lacks a clear, “number 2,” and so on.) Also, it’s PG-13. Action movies are not PG-13. (DHIV may receive an exception, pending my approval). 23. Miami Vice (2006) Reasons Why It’s on the List: It’s set in Miami (see above). Colin Ferrell and Jamie Foxx have that "they-have-nothing-in-common-but-they-have-everything-in-common" kind of anti-chemistry (bonus points for a gay undercurrent in Act III). Colin Ferrell drives a “go-fast” boat as his primary means of transportation. And he frequently drives it to Cuba. The final shoot-out is realistic and silly – a first for Mann. There’s a fight between Federal and local police agencies over “jurisdiction.” Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: It’s overlong, self-important, and slow in parts. It’s also as grainy and shaky as Heat is glossy and steady. Oh, and the story’s more or less indecipherable. 22. Under Siege (1992) Reasons Why It’s On the List: “Casey Ryback,” among the many great names Seagal’s characters have taken over the years. It’s set on a battleship, a battleship that is hijacked by Gary Busey *and* Tommy Lee Jones (TLJ). It’s aged much better than Speed and is the best of the “Die Hard on a ____” films. “I’m just a cook.” Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Seagal lacks the clear charisma of other action stars. The female love interest is neither believable nor that hot, in retrospect. No stand-out action sequences. 21. The Rundown (2002) Reasons Why It’s On the List: The final twenty minutes are literally non-stop action, with all sorts of diving-and-firing-in-slow-motion scenes. The Rock plays “Beck” a bounty-hunter/chef. Schwarzenegger makes a cameo for a split-second. The longest “car-plunging-down-a-mountain” crash scene in recorded history. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Sean William Scott gets tiresome fast. The jungle setting gets repetitive. The title is the “Rundown” and not “Helldorado” as it was known during production. Walken makes for a surpringly weak villain. Granted, this may be more a reflection of the popular culture turning him into a self-conscious, winking, ironic actor, but still... 20. Cliffhanger (1993) Reasons Why It’s On the List: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Stallone’s arc from “simple mountain climber” to “unstoppable killer” is actually believeable (by action movie standards). The opening sequence, where Stallone hangs seventeen miles above the Earth -- cinema’s finest display of lower-body strength. The fact that Stallone kills in Arctic temps without ever needing a knit hat or even a long-sleeve shirt. The film’s wanton disregard of Treasury Department history, wherein John Lithgow hijacks planes carrying a billion dollars in $1000 bills (in our world, these have been out of circulation since 1968 and not printed since 1938). Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: The nighttime snow battle scenes are quite sound stage-y, in retrospect. Stallone gets bogged down with Michael Rooker and Janine Turner. The former is simply unbearable, the latter just annoying. Lithgow is memorable only because he’s so damn hammy. After the opening sequence, and the Stallone-firing-a-nail-gun-through-the-ice sequence, I’m hard-pressed to remember any great action moments. 19. The Rock (1996) Reasons Why It’s On the List: Sean Connery essentially plays an older James Bond. Only this James Bond is in a Michael Bay movie. Connery is kept in twenty-hour lockdown because he’s the world’s most dangerous man and the only man to escape from Alcatraz. The Navy Seals vs. Marines shoot-out in the bathroom. Multiple recruiting, gearing up and map room scenes – vital components in any Top 25 action flick. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Like all Michael Bay movies, it’s too self-serious and baroque. It’s also twenty minutes too long. Nicolas Cage’s performance as Stanley Goodspeed grates. I can’t be the only one who thinks this would be a better movie if it was just about the government recruiting Connery to break into Alcatraz to kill rogue spec ops guys. The JFK tag is hokey. 18. Point Break (1991) Reasons Why It’s On the List: Swayze plays a “mystical criminal mastermind,” according to the press kit. Keanu's name is "Johnny Utah." Just when we thought he couldn’t get more shredded, post-Road House, Swayze hit the gym hard for PB and pulled out one of the great “skinny guy/kinda short dude” bodies of the 90s. A young John C. McGinley already playing a ball-busting old dude. All the gay subtext. Cool robbery scenes. It’s glossy as hell. The sky-diving, “I love you, man” mid-air handshake. The ending, where Keanu lets Swayze grab one last wave. See, I told you they were in love. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Keanu is really, really awful in this one. The Lori Petty stuff is sleep-inducing. It’s surprisingly (in a bad way) long. The Busey/Keanu interplay is weak. Too many gaps between the action. In many ways, the sum of Road House's perfectly tuned parts set the bar so high that even a physically and creatively peaking Swayze couldn’t match it. 17. Top Gun (1986) Reasons Why It’s On the List: “Good morning, Gentlemen, the temperature is 110 degrees.” “Holy shit, it’s Viper!” Tom Cruise has starred in many great action movies, but only his pitch-perfect portrayal of Pete “Maverick” Mitchell arouses such jovial quoting from members of Gen-X and Y. The nicknames -- the glorious, glorious nicknames. Yes, yes, it’s full of gay subtext, but it’s also about a bunch of hot-shit jocks who get laid, drink, fly fighter jets, disobey orders, save their buds, and blow up commies. Few movies make being an American seem so cool. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: It’s a better movie than action movie. The cinematography, music, quotable lines, and characters overshadow much of the dogfights. 16. Hard to Kill (1990) Reasons Why It’s on the List: Seagal’s single-best entry into the action pantheon. His name’s “Mason Storm.” Seagal gets out of the coma and begins one of action-dom’s all-time great training sequences. The closest a real movie has ever come to having a “Senator Mendoza/McBain” plot. Kelly LeBrock’s Seagal’s post-coma nurse/girlfriend. "I'm gonna take you to the bank -- the blood bank!" Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: It takes a while to get going and seems to think it’s an actual crime drama at times. Seagal’s persona has since become so ridiculous that it’s hard to take even his older, classic stuff serious. While it has all the great action film set-pieces, other movies do them better and with more charasimatic stars. 15. Beverly Hills Cop (1984) Reasons Why It’s On the List: The opening cigarette heist. The “h” is “o.” Steven Berkoff as Victor Maitlin (this will not be Berkoff’s last appearance on this list). Ronny Cox – always a plus in 80s sci-fi and action movies. Inspector Todd is one of the greatest angry cop bosses ever. Foley’s knee-on-the-ground/two-handed-firing move. The drug smuggling operation is believable and formidable (by action flick standards). Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: The movie’s fast-paced, but the overall action is tame – Cop II upped the ante. The Axel-Jenny scenes are sort of jarring, as Murphy’s, like, 23-years-old here and reminisces like he graduated high school seventeen years ago. 14. Lone Wolf McQuade (1983) Reasons Why It’s On the List: Norris is the “lone wolf lawman in the Lone Star State.” It has every single major action movie cliché. Ever. Norris’s sole entry on this list, but also his best film and a pretty badass movie in general. The score is glorious. David Carradine stages town events where he shows off his martial arts prowess. Norris is buried alive in his truck and is then ceremonially reborn via a beer bath. Norris invades Mexico with his own hand-picked team of law men. Norris lives in a shack and does target practice shirtless. Norris and Carradine’s final, one-on-one, winner-takes-all fight is full of cool fight-logic that you just don’t see nowadays. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Made in the pre-squib-era, the PG shoot-outs in this film have aged quite poorly. The action scenes are edited very TV-movie. It has some slow spots after the already-too-long opening sequence. Perhaps it tries too hard to be a neo-Western rather than ultimate Norris action spectacular it could be given more blood and a re-edit. 13. Hard Target (1993) Reasons Why It’s On the List: Honestly, I couldn’t decide whether this slot was Face/Off or Hard Target, and then I realized, when the chips are down, I’d rather watch Hard Target. So here we are. Van Damme is “Chance Boudreaux.” And what more needs to be said about John Woo movies? All the action/gunplay is stunningly beautiful. As in all Woo movies, guys get shot about fifteen times before dying. Lance Henricksen plays the heavy and Arnold “Mummy” Vosloo is his number 2. Van Damme’s mullet is the second greatest action mullet of all-time. Henricksen’s death is awesome. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Believe it or not, accents-be-damned, all the characters in this are supposed to be Cajun. It’s watchability (although higher than Face/Off) is ultimately hampered by Van Damme’s lack of charisma (relative to other action stars). It’s a testament to Hard Target’s holistic greatness that it can rank as high as it does, Van Damme be damned. 12. Commando (1985) Reasons Why It’s on the List: Arnold is “John Matrix.” Arnold kills more people than in any other Arnold movie. Arnold spouts more one-liners than in any other Arnold movie. Arnold demonstrates his all-time greatest “feat of strength” – carrying a massive redwood tree trunk on one shoulder. Arnold escapes from an airplane by diving into a marsh from five hundred feet. Arnold drives a ten-inch diameter steel pole through a man’s chest and into a massive steam machine. And this is after he’s been shot and beaten up. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Any movie that features Arnold and Alyssa Milano feeding a deer in its credits is hilarious – but necessarily a top ten action film. Bennett – the bad guy – is completely unbelievable as an even foil for Arnold. Dan Hedaya is horrible. The flick’s pretty poorly shot and houses some bad sets (e.g. Hedaya’s “mansion”). 11. Cobra (1986) Reasons Why It’s On the List: Stallone is “Marion Cobretti.” It’s one of Stallone’s mid-80s vanity projects. It runs 83 minutes. Stallone puts a man on a meat hook and then burns him alive. “I don’t deal with psychos.” Stallone doesn’t smoke – he chews on matchsticks. For some reason, Stallone cuts pizza slices with scissors. Stallone’s partner is Reni Santoni, the same guy who played Dirty Harry’s partner in Dirty Harry. The second act is basically one long music video. The opening in the supermarket is five kinds of classic. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Brigette Nielsen. Stallone looks very short in this film. Cobra lacks a high-concept hook compared to other great action flicks. All told, it’s quite derivative of Dirty Harry. 10. Beverly Hills Cop II (1987) Reasons Why It’s On the List: Cop II is possibly the glossiest action film pre-Michael Bay. And gloss counts in action flicks. While definitely not a better movie than Cop I, Cop II is very much a better action movie. The final shoot-out at the oil fields. “Women.” The cringe-worthy (in a fun, “let’s-see-how-dated-this-is!) Playboy Mansion sequence. Bogomil takes two shots at point-blank range and lives. Foley demonstrating more street tricks for solving crimes. The fact that there’s a very well-equipped “Beverly Hills Gunclub” that all the Tinseltown power players hang out at. Foley’s “Beverly Hills Building Inspector” routine. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: For the most part, the “comedy” does not make up for the lack of action in Act II. Like DH2, Cop II pulls out every hackey contriviance to re-create scenes from the first. Brigette Nielsen. No high-concept. 9. Bad Boys II (2003) Reasons Why It’s On the List: Bad Boys II has probably the grandest action sequences of any film on this list. It’s also the best looking movie on this list. The freeway chase, the invasion of Cuba, the swamp shoot-outs – it’s all awesome, throwback, hard R action. The fact that the movie concludes with every one rushing to Gitmo for “freedom” is also darkly comic, in retrospect. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Detectives Burnett and Lowrey just aren’t as memorable as Foley, McClain, Riggs, and Murtaugh. Sorry. Martin Lawrence cries a lot in this movie. The cadaver “humor.” It’s generally a pretty tasteless movie, even by action standards. 8. Lethal Weapon (1987) Reasons Why It’s on the List: The second-greatest buddy cop action movie ever. In the first film, you really believe that Riggs is a “lethal weapon.” Riggs is all suicidal. Gibson is wonderfully miscast, as he’s supposed to be playing a former spec-ops Vietnam Vet. Gibson’s torture, escape and revenge is thrilling stuff. In fact, the whole Act III is pretty awesome. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: There’s a certain super-sequel named Lethal Weapon II, for starters. No truly stand-out hard action sequences (Although the premise, charisma of the leads, and sheer amount of genre clichés helps LW punch far above its weight). Believe it or not, the story’s actually a little hard-to-follow, relative to other action pics. 7. Die Hard II (1990) Reasons Why It’s on the List: McClane debuts several new skills in this one: Master of transportation, detecting, and hand-to-hand combat. The bad guys are truly devastating, as they kill well over two hundred people. The double-cross in the middle is stupid-awesome. It seems prosaic now, but at the time, setting an action spectacular in an airport was a pretty huge deal. Speaking of spectacular... everything from the snowmobile chase through the final plane explosion. Oh, and Robert Patrick plays a bad guy! Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: William Sadler as the lead bad guy is pretty much a cipher. The double cross with John Amos is cool when you watch the movie, but stupid when you think about the movie. It’s very much set in a world where everyone knows the events of Die Hard – lots of wink-winking at the camera. The Holly/Atherton stuff in the plane is tedious. 6. Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985) Reasons Why It’s On the List: Stallone sports his third best body. In terms of providing a radically different experience from the previous installment, Rambo II ranks right there with Super Mario Bros. 2 – it’s a fascinating piece of work. Steven Berkoff plays the baddie. He also plays the baddie in Cop I. In a word, he’s awesome. It’s insanely quotable. “Do we get to win this time?” “Murdoch... I’m coming to get you.” “Give it to them.” “You’ll get a second medal of honor for this, John.” The Incredible Hulk-style, Bill Bixby-inspired “walking away” ending. It’s the last time we see Rambo use cool tracking skills to throw off his persuers. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: I’ve always been bothered by the fact that if Rambo’s pack of weapons gear didn’t fall of the plane at the beginning, he could have completed his mission and ended the movie in about ten minutes. Most of the first act is shot “day for night” and it’s aged poorly because of it. The entire love story is laughably bad. There’s no one-on-one fighting between Rambo and an anti-Rambo. I really wish at least one Rambo pic had this. 5. Lethal Weapon II (1989) Reasons Why It’s on the List: Alright, let’s get it out of the way: “Diplomatic immunity!” The greatest buddy cop movie ever. The South Africans are the villains, one of the few believable uses of white, corporate racist bad guys over the last 25 years. Riggs’s romance is great. The whole ending with the money in the tanker. The toilet scene. The condom commercial. Riggs’s beach place getting shot up. Riggs getting out of straight jackets. Man, LWII’s really, really good. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Pesci: The first hint that the franchise is becoming more comedy than action. The stuff where Riggs is like an uncle to Murtaugh’s family has always bugged me. Riggs calling the South Africans “Adolf” is a little too much. Riggs doesn’t get to show off his one-on-one skills as much as he did in LWI. 4. Road House (1989) Reasons Why It’s on the List: So much has been written and said about Road House, it’s hard to know where to begin in the hope of saying something new. Um... well, it has action cinema’s single most evenly matched fight, and one of the most evenly matched one-on-one matches in general since Hart vs. Hart at WrestleMania X. The question of “what happened in Memphis” haunts the viewer as much as it does Dalton. One of the few times in world history where Keith David and Terry Funk are not even close to being the biggest bad asses around. Jeff Healey. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Despite all its awesomeness, Road House remains locked in an eternal struggle between being a kick-ass cult flick and being a so-bad it’s good movie. Also, after well over twenty viewings since 1995, I can say that Road House’s Dalton vs. Westley climax is rather anti-climactic. Similarly, Act II’s full of stops and starts. 3. Rambo III (1988) Reasons Why It’s on the List: Stallone’s best body. The beginning stick-fighting sequence. The recruitment scene. The capture of Troutman. The Russians are particularly Evil Empire-y in this one. Rambo’s escape with Troutman. Rambo cauterizing his own wound. Rambo’s one-on-one kick boxing duel with the Big Russian. Rambo and Troutman single-handedly taking on (and defeating) the 21st Guards Division of the Soviet Army. Rambo taking down a helicopter with a bow and arrow. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: It really sucks that they went back to the Russian well again for this sequel. The fact that Rambo helps the proto-Taliban become “free” is one of action cinema’s funniest ironies. The kid. The fact that despite everything (including a huge budget for the times), Rambo III is actually a kind of small movie (there are only about six characters. 2. Die Hard (1988) Reasons Why It’s on the List: McClane! Hans Gruber! Barefoot! Multi-culti Nazi-Commie German terrorists…who are actually just master thieves! McClane is perfectly balanced here between being a normal cop and a super-cop. Later DHs take it waaay too far. No action film has ever created *and* inverted as many action movie clichés as Die Hard. It really is amazing. Reasons Why It’s Not Higher: Believe it or not, the first forty minutes are kind of slow. Granted, the work it does here to establish character helps the franchise as a whole, but within this particular film it’s a minus. The Carl Winslow stuff has always bugged me. I wish Hans spent more time tricking McClane with his American accent. The bullet impacts, explosions and squib-work are all so much better in 2-4. Many of the one-liners have become pretty lame over the years. 1. Stone Cold (1991) Reasons Why It’s Number One: Because it’s the most hard core, clichéd, quotable, bad ass, stupid, sleazy, innovative, glossy, gritty action flick ever. It’s all things to all people; Stone Cold is everything a hard action film should be and the platinum standard by which I judge all others. The Boz is “Joe Huff” a loose cannon cop who has to go undercover in a biker gang in Alabama. The biker gang is headed by Lance Henriksen (Chains) and William Forsythe (Ice) -- two guys who can be – and have been – the lead heavies in their films. The Boz pit fights to win entrance into “The Brotherhood.” The Boz has a pet monitor lizard. The opening sequence completely rips off Cobra, which itself ripped off Dirty Harry. The Boz is totally believable on a chopper. This film’s finale alone is better than the whole of Numbers 25-20 on this list, as it consists of Boz driving his motorcycle into a helicopter, falling two hundred feet onto marble – and surviving. And this happens mere seconds after Henriksen kills the entire Alabama Supreme Court. Stone Cold continually ups the ante on itself in a way no other action movie has ever managed.
Surprised to see two movies from 2006 on your list already (a John Cena movie and a Michael Mann movie no less). Does this mean you're going to have The Rundown (2003) on your list as well? I'm guessing you will. And speaking of the Rock, I await your placement of The Rock (1996) with batted breath, to say nothing of your placement of Face/Off (1997).
# posted by
 @ 5:59 PM
I'm assuming since Roadhouse wasn't mentioned that you are saving it for the top ten.
Similarly, I think Lone Wolf McQuade will place nicely. Kayo: "Lone Wolf, it's nice to finally meet you. I'm your new partner." Lone Wolf: "I work alone."
A few relevant points about Point Break. (1) Keanu plays an ex-college football star who can't go pro because of an injury. So what does he do? He joins the FBI. What's interesting is that Swayze's character (aka Bodhi) was a fan and has an abiding respect for Keanu's character as a collegiate athlete. (2) Swayze's gang is known in the media as "The Ex-Presidents" because of the masks they wear. If I recall correctly (it's been 6 months since I last watched the film), Swayze's character wears a Ronald Reagan mask. (3) The film is significant in that it was directed by a woman: Kathryn Bigelow. Probably the only film on your list where this is the case.
# posted by
@ 7:36 PM
RE: Point Break
Yeah, the college football stuff is a great twist/reason for explaining why Bodhi is so quick to add a member to his team.
I actually prefer Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995) and Above the Law (1988) to Hard to Kill, though HTK has some cool scenes of Seagal dismantling random punks who step to him in convenience stores, but this pretty much happens in all Seagal movies.
# posted by
@ 8:16 AM
Matt (obviously not the one that's commented here) pointed me to this entry and I'm both fascinated and dismayed. For one, I am very much looking forward to the rest of the list and perhaps if it wouldn't horrify Alison (obviously not the Alison who is commenting now) perhaps Matt & I could compare lists with you this weekend (And you know I wouldn't be able keep HK films off mine).
Anyway, I am dismayed because I seriously think you need to watch Under Siege again. Good Lord that movie is entertaining. Obviously he's a chief who's really a Navy Seal! He's running around with a Playmate! He sinks a submarine AND stops nuclear warheads from blowing up our most beautiful state (Hawaii). It ends in a knife fight! Well, really it ends with hundreds of armed forces cheering while he kisses said Playmate. What is not to love? |
